Wise sayings to inspire us (More or less)

1. When one door closes and another door opens – you are probably in prison.
2. To me “drink responsibly” means – don’t spill it!
3. Age 60 might be the new ‘40’, but 9: PM is the new midnight.
4. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
5. When I say “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
6. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
7. I had my patience tested – I’m negative.
8. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
9. If you are sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it doesn’t mean that I am free today. It just means that I am doing nothing.
11. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
12. I run like the winded.
13. I hate it when a couple argue in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know what side I am on.
14. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
15. When exercising and doing the ‘squats,’ are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on aluminium can stuffed with celery?
16. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I randomly remember things, and just get excited.
17. When I ask for directions please don’t use words like “east.”
18. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head… that’ll freak you right out.
19. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
20. My luck is like a bald guy who in a raffle just won a comb.

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